Silent No More BookKlaunch
Center for Moral Clarity
World Harvest Church, Columbus, Ohio
April 16, 2005
I don’t believe it. Come on folks, Keep going!… (big applause) This guy sitting by himself just sitting here minding his own business. You know that’s where you’re supposed to sit—over there. This guy just likes it. I’ll just go over here. I don’t care.
Boy, do I feel good. I’m in Columbus. Are you kidding me? (big applause and cheers) This is what America is all about. Right here, baby! This is Columbus, Ohio, and this is what I love, this is what I love. This is old fashioned, traditional America. You know what I love about you all. . You hunt. You fish. And you don’t apologize for it (big applause) How about that. That’s America. Yes, I love it.
And I’m so sick of this politically correctness. Don’t shoot the animals. They might get their feelings hurt. This is Ohio.
You don’t even pretend to be animal rights activists around here. You people see it, shoot it, eat it. (not understandable) And the rest of it. That (not understandable) Is that a snake? There’s the boot right there. If its got a face, eat it, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s America. (not understandable.) Hang it on your wall! America was built on the idea that they had to take care of themselves. They had to hunt and fish, fight whatever they could do because they were creating something GREAT! Something great doesn’t come easy. That’s what we lost in this country. Everybody wants it too easy nowadays. We got fat and lazy. We forgot the struggle it took to get this far. (not understandable) It’s hard, it’s so hard, hard is good, it causes calluses. It’s hard. I understand, I understand what it’s like. People don’t understand.
Now, for those of you who don’t know who I am, I’ll just give an idea because I see a lot of bewildered people here who aren’t used to seeing a Christian do comedy like this. I can see it. They’re all like, oh, he’s a Christian. Where’s your puppet? (laughter) OK. You’re gonna have to get used to that.
What I like about you people is that you understand who we were as America’s tradition. I’m a traditionalist. I believe in an America that was and can be again. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s hard. It’s hard to do. It’s hard to do because we have such a difference of opinion. We saw that in the elections. The red states saw people going “who are these red states? We don’t under… There’s morals apparently somewhere in this country. We’ve never heard of it, but apparently somehow morals matter. Because they don’t understand that because they’re given (not understandable) they’re given these big (not understandable) in these Midwestern towns are so cool. “Cause you have this great city of Columbus, progressive cities, but then suddenly rural farmland. They’re not used to that. And you don’t know when exactly its’ suddenly farmland. We have this (not understandable ) rural (not understandable). I don’t know. It’s like I’m in the year 2005 and in five minutes I’m in the year 5. That’s all I know. There’s people out in the fields, “let’s make this carriage go!”
I can’t drive here. That’s what I’m saying. I cannot drive in Ohio. And apparently, you people can’t either. I’ll tell you why they have all these signs on the freeway. There're signs and they’re hard and I can’t understand them. See, I learned to drive in Los Angeles, California.. (not understandable) Exactly! Hear that? Arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Usually followed by cruuuggggggggg cruuuggggggggg. cruuuggggggggg Thank you. (not understandable) And that’s how I survived to make it to Ohio. (not understandable) Loaded to drive to Los Angeles, California (not understandable) California easy. 8 billion miles of freeways, one side (not understandable) speed 65, good luck! That’s all you need. See, it used to be a country that gave you a simple request, and we followed through. There’s some weird signs I’ve never seen before. You’ve adapted to that. God bless you for that. That’s (not understandable) mid-America. You’ve adapted to it. I don’t want to get used to a sign warning me about an animal that might LEAP OUT ! Get a zoo for crying out loud! (not understandable) deer crossing. (not understandable) You have deer jumping out on the road (not understandable) up a wall, ya hear me. No, I want to leap. They’ve invented barbed wire. USE IT! You got deer on the highway! You people look at me like it’s normal. Yeah, it’s normal if you live in a CARTOON! (not understandable) pop out at you, “Hello my baby, hello my honey…” And then there’s the weird signs. The cold weather signs. Written in some cryptic shorthand that only 2 people can decipher. “Bridge Ices Before Road.” I’m like, OK. What do I do? Where’s the rest of the INFORMATION? (Not understandable.) Don’t shoot the walrus, HELP ME! THE BRIDGE IS GONNA DO SOMETHING! Look out for deer! My favorite one is “Watch Out For Tractors.” I don’t (not understandable) but don’t they have like a designated—I don’t know—field that they’re supposed to be in. Ohio farmers just run wild periodically. (not understandable) (big applause) Go on the freeway! So I got this baby up to (not understandable) (big applause) That’s right. All those fields. (not understandable), Boy there better be no electronic recording with the (not understandable) I’m saying. You gave me a new sign. That’s what I want to tell you. You gave me a new sign. I saw a sign that said, BUMP. It said bump with an arrow showing where the bump is going to be. Let me tell you something I’m not a professional when it comes to the best use of funds when it comes to county road repair. If’ you’ve got enough money to build bump sign (big applause), you got enough money to hire people to install bump signs. Here’s an idea. FIX THE BUMP! Take some money out of the bump sign slush fund, and apply it to the bump repair pork barrel legislation somebody’s trying to crank up.
I just want to tell you something. The sign’s mad, the sign’s mad because it was part of our heritage. We think we’ve lost the idea of even signs even having significance. This is not the kind of country we wanted folks. A country where we did not have to have a policeman on every corner so we could at least put up a sign that would allow you to say “on your honor” even if nobody is around. You obey it for the good of the whole. Freedom comes with personal responsibility of SELF. See that’s the point of freedom. That’s the danger of it. You actually have to be mature. Yeah, it is good. Thank you. I guess I did get to this guy over here. They’re all confused, but you were right on top of it. The idea of taking care of somebody else. The idea that I love about the Midwest: common courtesy. Still a little remnants of it left. COMMON COURTESY.
I see people shake their heads except for kids. The young kids are like, I’m not familiar with either one of those two words. What are you talking about exactly? Common. As in common, as if we had something in common. And you know we talk pluralism when everybody brings everything to the table, but nobody has a knife to eat (not understandable) The idea of what made this culture great was not that we all had one idea. You’re right. Every culture brought something significant to the table. Then we (not understandable) it! That takes discipline, and character, and ego has to be cast aside for something great.
Secondly, courtesy (not understandable) to put down (not understandable) for the sake of somebody else, or myself esteem might be ruined. COMMON COURTESY (not understandable) Nothing means the same because we are narcissists. We’ve become a narcissistic generation that wants nothing, and nothing matters but me. You speak of matters with God. (not understandable) Everything takes on significance that change for our own selfish interests. STOP SIGN! STOP SIGN! Use it, you idiot! Stop! Now it means, roll.
YELLOW LIGHT! Yellow light used to mean slow down, it’s gonna turn red. Now it means speed up and run the light.
NO PARKING. No parking signs used to mean you can’t park there. Now it means, well, you can park there as long as you stay in the car.
OK, who hasn’t seen this moron at Wal-mart’s? Parked under the No Parking sign, their window down, looking at us as we drive by like we’re the idiots. Hey, I’m not parked. I’m just prepared to leave if the cop shows.
TURN SIGNALS. Remember them? Turn signals used to be a signal informing the guy behind you that’ your’re about to merge in so we can work in a coordinated effort to both get to where we want to go. Now the signal has become a warning to the guy to speed up so he can overtake your face. Once you signal (not understandable) Idiots!
Nothing is at it seems because we forgot who we were, and we forgot how hard it was to become Americas. Listen. I look at the critical group of people here and every one of us here got here through some way of transportation. Not everybody wanted to be here, but we are Americans now. And we’ve created something so great that people either envy it, want to copy it, or try to destroy it. (Long ununderstandable part) ….they came here ironically to get rid of religious persecution. You know, the things that’s pretty much becoming what is happening to us now. (Not understandable) they were a hearty people. They were all (not understandable) Americans. It was hard, it was hard to get here but they brought their kids. The kids didn’t complain, but they grew up a lot, but they didn’t complain. And we got the (not understandable) covered wagons. We gotta move on west andm took covered wagons. where tjey took their families ‘cause they wanted to go forth for manifest destiny, they think there was something grander. And they went forward and (not understandable) terrain, and afraid that they didn’t have anything to eat. They didn’t have CDs. They did not have radios. And the kids didn’t go “Are we there yet?” You know why? BECAUSE THERE WAS NOT THERE YET! Going there (not understandable)
And there weren’t any cars. CARS! That’s what (not understandable) kids, we gotta make it dangerous to drive again. (long part not understandable). First thing we gotta do is get the airbags out of cars. I don’t get it. People look at me like they’ve never seen a bagless car. (not understandable) Everyone who’s sophisticated. (not understandable) with a paper sack. Pop pop pop.
The idea was that we have replaced God with self with self-esteem. We’ve created COWARDS. Johnny can’t tie his shoe without (not understandable ) he’s not good at it. He feels embarrassed about it and it ruins his self-esteem. Let’s put Velcro straps on Johnny shirt (not understandable) Johnny falls down and skins his knees and ruins his self-esteem. (not understandable) We got this (understandable) doubled coated in some of rubber with a clamp (not understandable) liable to get hurt. (not understandable) ASPHALT!
And the piece de resistance, the anti-bacterial (not understandable) How did we survive as a species without the anti-bacterial (long not understandable) No wonder we have a billion dollar anti-biotic industry. We don’t let enough germs get inside of our kids and let their bodies to fight them off like God intended. If you really love your kids then the next time the bottles’ stuck in the dirt, pick it up, blow it off, and shove it back (not understandable) THAT WAS AMERICA!
(Not understandable) We didn’t have anti-bacterial (not understandable) Sure we did. Mom used to spit in a Kleenex and wipe my face. And look how I turned out. Let me tell you something folks. Something is moving forward in this country It’s the Christians and conservatives who have said enough is enough. Our people decided that they would create this country, and we have. And they will not be stolen from us without a fight. A Constitutional fight. Not with taking up arms. Not with killing people, but because we are intellectually superior; because we have the truth our on side, and the truth cannot be changed.
I’m just a comedian, but I’m an American. God bless you for letting me have a few minutes right on stage. We will overcome because we have the truth.